Post Traumatic Summer Syndrome

Summer.

What am I doing?

It's been at least a month and a half since I've blogged.

Am I depressed?

Do I have nothing to say?

I feel like I am at a loss for words.

I haven't even painted for at least a month.

Or written a poem.

I'm not sure if it's a bummed out factor....

or just life catching up with me.

Mononucleosis slowed me down a few weeks ago.

Maybe that is a small culprit.

My facial hair is getting long.

As long as my "to do" list is this summer.

I really need to turn this around.

This isn't what Summer is about.

It's really not.

Here's to finding the Answer.

Soon.

Proving the worth of Love

Do you believe everything happens for a reason? Do you believe that when the right person looks at you just the right way, at just right the moment, from far across the room, is it possible to lose your breath? Is it possible to want to live more for someone else, than for yourself? Is forever love possible? Does it know no bounds? When you lose someone you love to distance. When you say goodbye to your father for the very last time. When you fall in love so deeply you can barely hear the noise around you. When you touch the hand of the one who holds your heart. When you kiss the one you know you’re going to love, but don’t love yet.

When you do these things, does your heart drop?

Forever is only a concern if you reach it. No one chases love for forever, if we did, we’d all be disappointed. The actual feeling of love doesn’t hit us once and stay with us forever, it comes and goes. Just as anger comes and goes, happiness comes and goes, sadness comes and goes, love comes and goes. Which is why I would encourage you, hold onto the ones you love. Hold them as dear as you did the day you fell in love with them. Blow them kisses over the phone. Send them flowers just enough to send the message, not too much that they forget the thought. Touch their hearts with old stories, first dates remembered and key ones attached on the wall for a daily reminder. Write them letters. Kiss them.It needs to be nurtured and honored, because only time can prove the worth of love.

REASON

  

Things happen for a reason. I was being taught that God always has a plan for me. Often times that plan is better than anything I would have imagined. He asks that we have faith in Him, something I struggled with the past few years. Sometimes we have to walk in darkness for a time before the light comes on and we see all that lies ahead of us. Faith is like having a hand to lead us through that darkness until the lights are turned on. And now that the lights are turned on, I wish I would've had more faith. This wasn't coincidence, this was a blessing.

(Do Not Worry)

Manuary has come to an end.....

                                                                             

Until next year beard......

A Year that I won't forget.

The year of 2011 was a change in the ordinary for me. I have had a few days in which I did not know where I was headed as I crawled out of bed in the morning. Change for me scares the living daylights out of me for reasons unknown. I like to be safe in knowing my surroundings. Safe place to live, safe restaurants to eat at, even a safe job to work at. This is why this last year has been so difficult for me. New job with new priorities has made me really accept the fact that I need to be grateful for the chances that are given to me even in such a trivial time. As 2011 was nearing an end I was thinking of how thankful I am for the amazing gifts that have blessed my life. My family is always a cornerstone in my life for many reasons. God always has a hand in my growth, emotionally and physically. Every time that I am down, I see a bright spot that I can link on to in order to make my future a success. My Honey Dip has made my life so special lately as we take this walk together. Coworkers, my roommate, even the students that I see at school every day, make my life feel so special throughout the circumstances. I have really been inspired with my paintings as I create them for others. As I look at it I see so many ways to create for others as their story makes its way onto a canvas. My growth as a person is something that I am very happy about as we start 2012. I never make resolutions because I tend to never follow up on them, however I will definitely strive to work on a few things. Go to Church every week. Find time to read my Bible with Simms as we move forward. Get involved with a study group, so that I can grow in my walk. Paint more. You guys I have about 15 Canvas' in my room, and all I need is some thoughts and motivation. Take some time to relax in my life. I feel that I am running around left and right without a chance to take it all in. I have a few others hidden in my head, yet I am afraid to release, because they are a work in progress. A better Jonathan for the year 2012. I think everyone could agree with that one. Thank You for stopping in every once in a while. This blog means so much to me and the public that views the mish mash that I type out every week. Thank You for being there as a friend when I needed you most in 2011. Happy New Year Everyone.

                

For the love of......... Great Things.

I love making people smile through my art.

 I love my nieces

3 to 1

They slay my heart.

I love great concerts with really crappy seats.

I love my friends.

All 5 of them.

Just kidding :)

I love my life how it is no matter what the outcome. 

I have learned to live my life to the fullest.

It's worked out for me so far. 

What do you love about your life?

Welcome to The Weekend

This week has gotten me really tired.

Maybe its my old bones, my loss of sleep

or the countless minutes that I have spent writing

plans for my future. But you know what, I can't complain.

I love it....and I love my nieces,

if you didn't know that already.

Time for some rest and relaxation of the weekend.

Kinda reminds me of a catchy song that I try to erase from my memory.

It’s Friday, Friday
Gotta get down on Friday
Everybody’s lookin’ forward to the weekend, weekend
Friday, Friday
Gettin’ down on Friday
Everybody’s lookin’ forward to the weekend

I'm really torn lately.....

Are we to love the sinner but hate the sin?

 The longer we are together
the larger death grows around us.
How many we know by now
who are dead! We, who were young,
now count the cost of having been.
And yet as we know the dead
we grow familiar with the world.
We, who were young and loved each other
ignorantly, now come to know
each other in love, married
by what we have done, as much
as by what we intend. Our hair
turns white with our ripening
as though to fly away in some
coming wind, bearing the seed
of what we know. It was bitter to learn
that we come to death as we come
to love, bitter to face
the just and solving welcome
that death prepares. But that is bitter
only to the ignorant, who pray
it will not happen. Having come
the bitter way to better prayer, we have
the sweetness of ripening. How sweet
to know you by the signs of this world!

Wendell Berry

The "So many choices" (dream)

Last night I was in and out of sleep all night. Waking up and moving around left and right. It was a strange dream albeit, I know I've had it before. It's the one where  I sit at the oblong table with names of songs written down on paper while I push my brain to choose one U2 song from the army of many as my first dance at my (dream) wedding. That's when I woke up in a pool of sweat wondering what was going on. Why have this dream now? Well as usual, I fell back to sleep and it continued. I remember thinking to myself there are so many choices I can choose from. 


Unchained Melody
Dancing Barefoot
Dreaming with tears in my Eyes
The Ground Beneath Her Feet
With Or Without You
If You Wear That Velvet Dress
Love is Blindness
All I Want Is You

Stay

Kite

In a little while
Moment of Surrender

I just think it's kind of funny that I've been dreaming about something that's not happening for quite some time. I tend to giggle when I think about it. Do you have any songs that you hold near and dear to your heart that sometimes you have crazy dreams about? I'd like to know so I won't be the only crazy one out there. And by the way it doesn't have to be a U2 song..... Well it should be.... I'm just saying!

41 days.... 20 years..... A daily reminder

She came in his room and viewed his frail body
Then sat next to his hospital bed

She took his hand and held it tight
And prayed he had the strength to fight

She sat next to him quiet, but sad
A mother and her struggling son

He sensed the tears she tried to hide
She looked at him and then she cried

Jonathan, Jonathan please don't go
Don't leave us here all alone
I'll miss you when you go away

We still need you here, you have to get better
Son if you leave us now you are going to a better place
We need you here, even though He might want you with Him
I will always be inside your heart.

(written back in College)

date unknown

Some great times in 2011 so far........

I've had a resurgence of faith and
hope and peace within me
so far in the year 2011.

My friends are awesome.
I couldn't make my life be as sane and likable
without them by my side.
They are spread throughout the country
but I thank each and every one of you for your love.

It's been a tough start to 2011 for different reasons.
I guess I needed to grow up at some point in my life.
Boy, did I do that. At least I think I think I took a huge step in
accomplishing that.

I enjoy inspiration. Few and far between, I don't discriminate.
I enjoy the inspiration however it comes.

Smiles get me through the week, even that sounds creepy, but it's true.

Did I mention that I love my friends. They support
me in every way. It makes my heart happy.

I love the new addition to my family. It came at a perfect time
so that our family could rejoice in awesome times.

on a side note.......
Did I mention that I love sunglasses and Golf.
They go really well together

I enjoy painting and putting my thoughts and ideas on Canvas.
I grow with each piece that I complete.

I love my smile.
Its gotten me through all my B.S. that I've been through...

By the way I've come to love happy hour.
Like I said I don't discriminate.

Art is passion.
I've finally figured why my sisters heart is at peace
when in the studio. I am at peace when creating for others.

Branching out is my new goal. Opening up to
whatever is out there.

Here's to more of the smiles in 2011.
Thanks for the good times everyone.
I needed it.

Growing Up

I remember how my mom would sing me my favorite song when
I was needing some motivation especially a song she made up just for me,
especially on days when I had gotten into trouble or was feeling sad.
As many of you know I am not a very mean person and I hate confrontation.
Tomorrow will be very difficult for me. I would like to take all of the teachings and lessons I have learned growing up and just try to be an example for Christ through my actions. I'm sure that I will be singing my song throughout the proceedings in my head,
just to remind me of how my Mom always taught me to be.
Be gracious to others and treat them how you would want to be treated.
If I can follow through with that tomorrow, I will have a lot of JOY
in my Heart.

Jonathan, Jonathan Eric Ruff,

you are my great big boy,

you to laugh and play and sing,

and have a lot of joy.

Jonathan, Jonathan Eric Ruff,

you are my first born son,

and i would not replace you

with any other one.

I need Courage

Well, it is no news flash for those of you that keep up with this blog that my life has been depressing at times lately. I figured that i somehow become excited about the small things in life and overblow them beyond proportion because I haven't been happy in a long, long time. and i want a ticket to somewhere that will make my heart content and can make me smile all of the time. My vacation was a case in point. My trip was amazing, however I always seem to overdue it and then fall back into my (depressing sea) of not so happy after the fact. However, I think that I should celebrate the good times along with the enduring bad times as well.

I've been thinking about my life lately and how if I could do it all over again, what would I have done to impress others with my actions, make my family prouder, and really not turn out as such a disappointment(in my own eyes). To tell you the truth I'm upset with myself at the strides I've taken in this life. It seems as I look back at it, I viewed my life as an open book with so many avenues I could take for success. At first I wanted to be a Doctor. I know, I know doesn't every middle school student want to be a lawyer, or a doctor at some point? Well in my mind I wanted to be a pediatrician. I also wanted to work with children in some aspect of work. I chose to go to school to become a teacher and it really hasn't panned out like I had planned.

I contemplate daily where I am headed. The one thing that I love to do with all of my heart is teach. I give my all in my classroom. I want to be in that spectrum and it kills me that I have to settle for day to day work in another teachers classroom, when I've done the work to have my own. I'm not being selfish, I just want a chance. I want to be able to look back at my life and stare at my accomplishments through and through. So far, I have done nothing.

I have been trying to do other things to open the line of opportunity for my heart to feel happiness again. I want to love what Jonathan is doing in his life, so that I am impressed with myself. That might sound weird, but I am just trying to do a self check on my tattered journey in this lifetime. It's hard for me to see my nieces sometimes, knowing what is my future with children. Will I ever get the chance to have them, do I open my tattered heart for another relationship? I know this sounds depressing, but these are questions I ask myself each day as I continue to live this daily roller coaster called life.

I know a few things for sure and that is I love being Jonathan. As hard as it is I would not have wanted to be a different person. Maybe have a different life scenario, maybe a different relationship scenario, maybe a different prospect. But I still love being Jonathan. Still love being Jonathan.

Look at me Now

Tired.
Worn Down.
Wished I was back on Vacation.
Enjoying Pandora Radio.
I love to paint my shadows and my soul.
Not enough hours in the day.
Trying to be a great person.
Quiet nights stretch on.
Ordinary days that move slowly...
"Why, my soul, are you downcast?
Why so disturbed within me?
Another long Saturday night waiting for
the clouds to push up the day.
Enjoy these Videos.
They are amazing.
Have a great Sunday.

Photo Montague of Los Seattle

And the photos begin.

Some people look like studs on the pier.

While some just looked eloquent.

Some like the cheesy, touristy shot.

and some like the ice cream 3 head hole shot.

Pricey Mistake.....

Time to think, and recollect how nice it is to be away for a while.

Tea with Company

My new best friend

Heart adorned bench at a pier northern WA

Same spot 20 yrs. later

Smiles

I had to visit it....Not really worth 18.95 PP though

Yes I really enjoyed this trip.

I really did enjoy it.

Philly Cheesesteak in Seattle with Cheez wiz?
So So Good!!!

Statue Art

Very Peaceful

Fish throwing time

Red Hook Brewery
Great Company, Great Beer, Great Day!!

Whoopie Pie looked good when I bought it.
Wasn't around for me to taste it though.
Thanks Sav..... Hope it was good :)

The three amigos made it a great break from hectic reality.
Until next Vaca, which will be probably in three years, we'll see.