I need Courage

Well, it is no news flash for those of you that keep up with this blog that my life has been depressing at times lately. I figured that i somehow become excited about the small things in life and overblow them beyond proportion because I haven't been happy in a long, long time. and i want a ticket to somewhere that will make my heart content and can make me smile all of the time. My vacation was a case in point. My trip was amazing, however I always seem to overdue it and then fall back into my (depressing sea) of not so happy after the fact. However, I think that I should celebrate the good times along with the enduring bad times as well.

I've been thinking about my life lately and how if I could do it all over again, what would I have done to impress others with my actions, make my family prouder, and really not turn out as such a disappointment(in my own eyes). To tell you the truth I'm upset with myself at the strides I've taken in this life. It seems as I look back at it, I viewed my life as an open book with so many avenues I could take for success. At first I wanted to be a Doctor. I know, I know doesn't every middle school student want to be a lawyer, or a doctor at some point? Well in my mind I wanted to be a pediatrician. I also wanted to work with children in some aspect of work. I chose to go to school to become a teacher and it really hasn't panned out like I had planned.

I contemplate daily where I am headed. The one thing that I love to do with all of my heart is teach. I give my all in my classroom. I want to be in that spectrum and it kills me that I have to settle for day to day work in another teachers classroom, when I've done the work to have my own. I'm not being selfish, I just want a chance. I want to be able to look back at my life and stare at my accomplishments through and through. So far, I have done nothing.

I have been trying to do other things to open the line of opportunity for my heart to feel happiness again. I want to love what Jonathan is doing in his life, so that I am impressed with myself. That might sound weird, but I am just trying to do a self check on my tattered journey in this lifetime. It's hard for me to see my nieces sometimes, knowing what is my future with children. Will I ever get the chance to have them, do I open my tattered heart for another relationship? I know this sounds depressing, but these are questions I ask myself each day as I continue to live this daily roller coaster called life.

I know a few things for sure and that is I love being Jonathan. As hard as it is I would not have wanted to be a different person. Maybe have a different life scenario, maybe a different relationship scenario, maybe a different prospect. But I still love being Jonathan. Still love being Jonathan.