i gave you all

Been thinking a lot lately about life status and where that sets me apart from others. My roommate Brendan said something to me within a conversation tonight within the confines of Apt. 25 that had nothing to do with, but brought up memories about my marriage. Upon proposing to ms. Lagrant, I made it a point to to discuss the future and the outlook on each of our views for which we were headed. As I went through the 8.5 years that I dated her, my mind became blurry on what I should do with my life. She was in to nice things, and I provided her things that she wanted. To the amazement of others, I always seemed to spoil her with things that were a bit out of the ordinary, but were appreciated I thought. This is not out of the ordinary for me since I enjoy being generous with the people that I love. Within the conversation tonight, I thought back to a time when I took ms. LaGrant out on a date in San Francisco, within the financial district. I had thought for weeks on a great place that would be great for me to take her. New and hip that she would like, and a bit more pricey equaling the snobby effect. I bought a bouquet of peonies -her favorite- that I hand picked from a peony farm in the hayward hills. I remember telling myself never to tell her where I purchased the flowers, because she would not enjoy them as much as if I told her that I went to pick them. Pretty Sad right? So back to the date. I took ms. LaGrant to a great italian restaurant South of Market within the Alley. It was an alley with three or four restaurants to choose from. The one that I researched was reasonably priced at about 20-25 dollars a plate. The food looked fabulous and smelled even better. However... she didn't want to go to this particular restaurant because she said the outside seating seemed dirty and she didn't want to pay to eat there. So we chose a seafood restaurant right next door. I remember as I shucked my garlic and butter filled oyster that one question that still burns in my mind today. She commented, "Do you think that you can provide for me for the next 40 some odd years in this capacity? Because this is the type of life that I enjoy living" That one question beat me up for a while. I'm not used to having to set a goal that is set upon me, that I know was just proposed to me as a statement to say that it's over. We set our goals as a couple prior to 6/1/2002. That one question was the beginning of the end in my eyes. I could buy ms. LaGrant a dozen peonies every week, buy her a Coach designer purse every month, travel 30 miles to the Moraga TJ maxx to buy her Seven designer jeans weekly and these all wouldn't do the trick. It is better for both of us to find out now. This is the detailed laughter of my life. Even though I show a facade daily to some, it burns inside more than anyone could know.

But I gave you all

Close my eyes for a while
Force from the world a patient smile

But I gave you all

But you rip it from my hands
And you swear it's all gone
And you rip out all I have
Just to say that you've won