Having Nothing yet Possessing Everything

October 3, 1994

Sitting at the obtuse shaped table, I tried to hide the fear of what was forthcoming. The room was inviting, white walls, a thirteen inch t.v. with sketch art on the walls placed evenly for the overall peaceful theme. I felt comfortable coming into the room even after toying with the idea that I would run, telling no one. It's how I used to be. Arguing back and forth, it gave me anger towards someone that I used to love with all of my heart. I despise anger. Never go to sleep angry. Always work it out. That's my motto. At least it was. Such a sad change has occurred in the last 365 days. The new look is frail and disturbing. Edgy, cunning and forward. The words dispersed are such a contradiction on reality. My view is amazing. Looking straight forward, I see a completely different person. I sit in peace, wondering if I need to intervene. Then my thoughts are that I don't think I can take anymore of this. Bills, Statements, B.S. are being spit out like it is false. The meeting ended abruptly, unknown of what comes next. I'm sorry for not fulfilling my part. In the end I should have known. Thank You for inspiration, push and equally being my biggest supporter.

June 3, 2010

I MISS MY ("FATHER")

OCTOBER 16TH 2008

I miss him. I really do. As much as I really want to tell myself never to talk to the guy again, I miss him. All of the lies, betrayals, stories that he's told my family, I still miss him. This is the reason. I hate Swearing. I hate it. Ever since I was young I told myself that I would never use language in any capacity. Now "to each his own" is what I always say. Some people have their own relationship with four letter words, but I never have wanted one. Until October 16th. That's when I use it in certain capacity. I am in a difficult predicament. It is so hard to forgive a person that does not want to be forgiven. No matter what your religious preference, if one does not want to hold their hand out, it will not happen. My life has been rocked the past two years. I mean to the point that we don't even need to discuss. I am done being emotional. It is holding me back. From me attaining my dreams, from me starting a family, from me living a normal life. As much as I want to let go and let him live his life, it's so hard to. Why can't you follow what you taught US, THEM to. I know people have their preference, but we are still here. Don't forget us. Don't leave me like a bad habit. I will be here as long as you are here if not longer, praying for you, hoping for you. I need to get over the sentiment "Why us" and look to the future in how I can help you. I know that you still have Him in your heart. I Love You. You will never know how difficult it is for us. 5th time in the year I weep.

Weekend

Wine Tasting with friends
Time away to think about something else for a change
Being able to smile all day
Laughing at my friends
Being able to drink a cold Pacifico at 11:15 in the morning
Enjoying lunch at a Roadhouse diner
Relaxing on a Saturday
Singing songs in the dark at Church
Thankful For Autumn
Being able to hold my beautiful niece
Celebrating the life of a dear friend
Completing two Amazing paintings on Sunday in the park
Chatting it up with my best friend
Praying for the future
Thankful for everything that I have

Uncle Johnny falls for it Every Time

Hey Uncle Johnny, can you read me a book this afternoon? I really want you read me the story about the Mommy chicken and her friends having a party. If you read me this one story I will be so happy and I promise to go right to bed without any complaining.




Monrovia of course I will read you a story! But remember you have to choose only one story and then you have to go right to bed, ok?


Ok Uncle Johnny I will get one book but you have to read the whole story with your funny voice. If you read that one story, I promise that I will go right to bed.






Well I'll go lay down on your bed. Go get your book and then I will read you the whole story with the funny voice and some tickles added in. Remember, pick out your favorite book, because it is almost bed time.



Uncle Johnny this book is so funny, I love these pictures. We can't just stop at one book. We need to read more than one. Can I go pick out another book Uncle Johnny.







As long as your mommy says that its o.k., you may go choose one more book. But remember it's almost bedtime. Hurry up and go grab one more book.



Um..... Uncle Johnny I had a hard time finding one book so can you read all of these to me so I don't have to go to bed? Please, Please, Please?





O.k. Monrovia I'll read them all to you.




5 minutes after receiving this hug and 3/4 of the way through her first book, RoRo was fast asleep. It must be the Uncle presence right? I love my niece.

On a lighter note

I Thank You

You kept it real....

You told no lies

I trusted your words
And you said that it was okay to cry
Hidden from an ocean of lies
But you, you revealed them all
You answered questions never asked
And you showed no regret
And with that I Thank You!
Wishing the truth were lies
Expecting a laugh and you telling me
that it was all a Joke!
The truth hit me, then stabbed me, then
killed me a thousand Times....
I cried that night with the never ending
thought of the truth....
I thought I knew my life, I thought I
understood it all....
But you opened my eyes and unwrapped
the hurtful truth....
And I Thank You for being there, to be by my side,
through it all....
Then quickly it was such a surprise; however
I can never thank you enough for
revealing the truth of where we were headed.....