Do you need help?

Have you ever felt
that sometimes you consume
your thoughts about your own problems
and sometimes you never see or feel the problems or heartaches
that others around you are having?
I suggest taking time out of your day to
think about someone you know and ask yourself
how you could help them out to make their life a tad bit easier for just one day.
I know that I talk a lot and feel a lot of pain in my own life
and sometimes it overtakes my thought process of whoa is
me in its entirety.
I know that's not how I should be living, yet I should
be thinking of others first.
Just a thought at 3:23 in the a.m.
I seem to be the only one up at this hour
these days.

For my Sister

August 8, 1991

Wow, our lives really changed that day. I've never felt so scared as when I saw you in a coma in the ICU, with your head shaved and your body covered with tubes. I remember sitting, holding your hand, talking to you as you lay so still. I believed that you could hear me somehow. Maybe you did and that helped you get stronger. Sometimes it all seems like a dream? I wanted to take your place in that hospital. But you were so brave, and you were filled with courage and I remember thinking, "I could never be as strong as Jonathan, if this had happened to me I wouldn't have survived." I remember talking to you into brain surgery when you were still in your coma. Dad, mom and I prayed for you and I saw tears slip down your cheek because you were so scared. I felt so helpless and afraid, but you were a fighter, and you came out of your coma and got stronger little by little. You never complained about your situation. You have such strong character.

Susannah Eloyse Prinz
8/99


Sooz. I love you.

I need Courage

Well, it is no news flash for those of you that keep up with this blog that my life has been depressing at times lately. I figured that i somehow become excited about the small things in life and overblow them beyond proportion because I haven't been happy in a long, long time. and i want a ticket to somewhere that will make my heart content and can make me smile all of the time. My vacation was a case in point. My trip was amazing, however I always seem to overdue it and then fall back into my (depressing sea) of not so happy after the fact. However, I think that I should celebrate the good times along with the enduring bad times as well.

I've been thinking about my life lately and how if I could do it all over again, what would I have done to impress others with my actions, make my family prouder, and really not turn out as such a disappointment(in my own eyes). To tell you the truth I'm upset with myself at the strides I've taken in this life. It seems as I look back at it, I viewed my life as an open book with so many avenues I could take for success. At first I wanted to be a Doctor. I know, I know doesn't every middle school student want to be a lawyer, or a doctor at some point? Well in my mind I wanted to be a pediatrician. I also wanted to work with children in some aspect of work. I chose to go to school to become a teacher and it really hasn't panned out like I had planned.

I contemplate daily where I am headed. The one thing that I love to do with all of my heart is teach. I give my all in my classroom. I want to be in that spectrum and it kills me that I have to settle for day to day work in another teachers classroom, when I've done the work to have my own. I'm not being selfish, I just want a chance. I want to be able to look back at my life and stare at my accomplishments through and through. So far, I have done nothing.

I have been trying to do other things to open the line of opportunity for my heart to feel happiness again. I want to love what Jonathan is doing in his life, so that I am impressed with myself. That might sound weird, but I am just trying to do a self check on my tattered journey in this lifetime. It's hard for me to see my nieces sometimes, knowing what is my future with children. Will I ever get the chance to have them, do I open my tattered heart for another relationship? I know this sounds depressing, but these are questions I ask myself each day as I continue to live this daily roller coaster called life.

I know a few things for sure and that is I love being Jonathan. As hard as it is I would not have wanted to be a different person. Maybe have a different life scenario, maybe a different relationship scenario, maybe a different prospect. But I still love being Jonathan. Still love being Jonathan.

My Bucket List

I made one about 4 years ago but I lost it so here's the new and improved version incapable of being lost:

Bucket List circa 2011

* Take dance lessons
* Go on an Alaskan cruise
* Learn how to drive a stick
* Meet Bono
* Kiss in the rain
* Play golf in Scotland (completed!)
* Revisit Peaks Island, Maine
* Go paintballing
* Play Golf at Pebble Beach
* Go backpacking
* See a bear at Yosemite
* Visit Australia
* Visit the Carribean
* Visit South America
* See U2 Front row (5 times....Completed!)
* Write a memoir
* Rent a studio for my artwork
* Go to a sporting event
* Go snorkeling in Bali
* Push myself to really believe in myself
* Go see a game in Happy Valley, Penn State
* Sell a painting
* meet my soulmate and take her on a walk
* Watch my nieces get married

What I am listening to right now

Radiohead..... High and Dry
William fitzsimmons...... so this is goodbye
La Roux..... in for the kill
Angus and Julia stone..... big jet plane
Azure ray..... sleep
Shawn lee’s ping pong.... kiss the sky
Danna/Devotchka.... The winner is
Edward Sharpe and the magnetic zeros.... Home
Bedouin Soundclash..... St. Andrews
Xx.....Heart skipped a beat
Peter Bradley Adams..... the longer I run

Have you listened to anything lately that interests you?

Look at me Now

Tired.
Worn Down.
Wished I was back on Vacation.
Enjoying Pandora Radio.
I love to paint my shadows and my soul.
Not enough hours in the day.
Trying to be a great person.
Quiet nights stretch on.
Ordinary days that move slowly...
"Why, my soul, are you downcast?
Why so disturbed within me?
Another long Saturday night waiting for
the clouds to push up the day.
Enjoy these Videos.
They are amazing.
Have a great Sunday.

Sometimes I just hate my situation sometimes